Things to Worry About

Should I click on the sposored link or the one below so the company doesn't have to pay Google? Not drinking enough water. Drinking too much water. How will the walls and coat hooks cope with the everyday stresses of my coats and other belongings being hung, removed and replaced on them? Shelf. Will it fall off the wall today, tomorrow, this year or next year or when? Good grief. Not keeping my feet warm enough. What are the repercussions of this? I want fast food at least once a week. Should I give in a get me an Angus Burger BK meal or those tasty fish and chips whenever I so desire them and emotionally feast off the joy I get from eating them or should I leave it and worry about how I don't know what will happen to me if I choose to have them whenever I want to? If I have an apple after every fast food meal will that balance stuff out? Or perhaps that nice cabbage you can eat raw that helps clean out your colon, apparently, after a mucky meal? My goldfish stares at me and looks angry most of the time. How is he coping in that little glass tank? Is he furiously popping away at the water's surface to tell me he needs food or because he wants me to help him escape? Argh! He's starved AND his water is toxic. All. My. Fault. I don't read enough and while I have creative talents I don't put them to any use. This couldn't kill me yet I feel like I've killed. Yes. Killed. Should I write smaller to help conserve the world's stocks of fountain pen ink? Will sitting on the sofa with the laptop on my belly somehow contribute to my infertility? (see also perma-cold feet) And what about that gold thread that you can peg christmas cards to and hang them above the fireplace at christmas time? It tore in two while I was untangling it from a broken pair of headphones I was trying to throw away. That would have been a waste too. Throwing the headphones away. They could be stripped of their plastic covering and the wires used for some creative and decorative purpose. Oh wait, I don't do anything creative anymore. Another waste. Within a waste. Petrol. PETROL. Bad Kirsty, going places in your car. You bad, stupid, petrol wasting slag. When is the arm going to come off my glasses like it did with the last two pairs beacuse I want to lie down while I'm watching the telly? These are my favouritsest glasses ever. I don't want the arm to fall off. But it's already on the bend. Sitting with one leg crossed over the other is bad for circulation. It will result in varicose veins. What if I NEVER stop picking the scabs on my spotty face?

15 health warning signs not to be ignored

Stopped breathing.
If you have stopped breathing you should try to start breathing again. If you can't start breathing again, call a doctor or try to start breathing again, again.

Can't stop weeing.
People who can't stop weeing have a serious problem and should immediately Google 'can't stop weeing' and follow any instructions provided in the first three results.

Bleeding from the ears.
If you find you have been bleeding from the ears for some time you should try stopping bleeding from the ears. If this fails you should then try to contact your GP for advice. If you can't contact your GP for advice you should contact your GP for advice.

Woke up dead.
If you woke up dead this morning the best line of action is to go back to sleep again and try to wake up not dead.

Jobs and Jobs and Jobs and Jobs

Jobs I'd hate:

Waitress
Chef
Footballer
Tennis Player
Big Fat Business Man (complete with nasty, unironic gold watch)
The person who comes up with sudoku puzzles
The person who comes up with any kind of puzzles
Bearer of bad news


Jobs I'd love:

Racing car driver
Bus Driver
Long Distance Lorry Driver
Pilot
Mermaid
Make Up Artist (not for Max Factor)
Anything to do with stationary (Opening mail, putting letters in envelopes and posting them, putting stickers on things. All that shit, yeah. )
Landlady of my very own super cool beach bar

Eye eye, dickhead.

Balls!

Guess what I did today? Yup siree! I went to the eye inspectors and got my eyes photographed and the nice man let me have a picture so what you are looking at is the back of my eyeballs! The one on the left is my right eye and I'll leave you to work out which is my left eye. They are both very healthy and I will have them photographed again in about 7 years. I best keep 'em clean. Pass the toothbrush.

In other news I have had all my hair cut off. I hate it and look like Baldricks.




Enid


The End

Today I ate an egg. Soft boiled.

An egg-citing treat.

Today I got very excited about having a soft boiled egg when I came home from work instead of the usual half pack of Fox's Crunch Creams.

Listen you, it's impootant to seek joy in the smaller things in life that money can't buy. I enjoyed spreading the butter as I have a nice knife to spread it with. Most of all I enjoyed every salty, tasty little bite reminding me full heartedly how much I love eggs. Iggs.


The Salt Shaker which is probably a sugar shaker but I use it for salt, which explains why too much salt comes out. I already have a sugar pourer.



Examples of joy I have taken for my enjoyment today are:

Seeing a dog notice a cat and become all alert and watch it. Silly dog. Ha ha.

Seeing two more dogs.

Having the window down, slightly, on my drive into work.

Being bored so I went to the Co-op with My Yusband for supplies and noticed the air was full of impending Spring. Also saw the new ice cream parlour is open so I'm planning on going there tomorrow and buying one of everything.

Buying a new puzzle book.

The freedom accomanying the choice to not finish a puzzle when I can't solve anymore clues, but probably could if I tried but then that will just make me feel tied to the puzzle book, a slave to solving, caught between clues. (I think that sentence was too long. Sorry for any discomfort caused while reading it. Especially if you were reading it out loud because you haven't learned to read in your head yet and you have run out of breath.)

The End.

Stop...!

Pulling the hair out of your head, even if it does feel really good.

Eating biscuits as soon as you get in from work, even if they do taste really good.

Falling asleep on the sofa every night at 10pm then painfully dragging yourself upstairs to bed at 1:30am to sleep in your clothes, even if being bold enough to give into sleep before you're properly tucked away in bed does feel really good.

Forgetting to ring the opticians for an eye appointment. Squinting doesn't make you look really good.

Should anyone feel the urge to offer me advice on how to overcome these habits, don't, or I will hate you.

Eggs

Eggs truly are my favourite food. I really enjoy a good pickled egg as I also have a love of vinegar. Other favourites of mine include the biscuit base of a cheesecake; a cheesecake; fish, chips and mushy peas with vinegar; pancakes with a sugar and vinegar topping/filling; garlic; fried onion and, more recently, I am bloody loving sushi. There are many other things I love in the world but I wanted to keep this brief. I also love cheese.